In the last two posts we looked at picking up guys you’ve never met, in a club for example (in Part 1 if you missed it), and then (in Part 2) how to get with a guy you already know and become more than just friends by entering into a solely sexual relationship. But what if the guy you already know is THE guy. The guy that you want to be with. Maybe you already love him and are forced to keep it secret, or maybe it’s just someone who you are really good friends with and you can’t help but want to move beyond the current boundaries of your friendship and see what would happen if you allowed yourselves to explore unspoken feelings. Whatever the case, this is no longer just about a random guy, or satisfying a fantasy by having sex; no, this is the real deal. Feelings. And if there’s one thing we should all know, it’s that feelings change everything!
When having a relationship based on sex, assuming it is based on sex and not the pretence that this is the case, things are relatively simple; is there a physical spark and are both parties open to exploring the nature of it. In essence it is all about base desires, undiluted by the presence of emotional consequence. Relationships, as I’m sure we all know, are much more complicated. If the relationship is with someone who you are already friends with, the complexity, and risk of heartache, increase dramatically.
Speaking from personal experience, I have had a few girlfriends who I was really close with before we ever got together, and pretty much all of those friendships were destroyed once the relationships broke down. I haven’t even spoken to one of them in over 6 years and we were best friends before we got together. Another ex who I was really close friends with is now more of an acquaintance with shared history. It’s sad really, but that is the risk you take when choosing to go beyond the friend barrier and see if there is something more to the connection you share.
It’s so much fun to feel that lust and connection with someone that you’re close with.
Having said all that, despite the risks and the fact that getting with a friend has cost me in the past, I still loved crossing that threshold. It’s so much fun to feel that lust and connection with someone that you’re close with. You know so much about them and you have imagined it so many times that it is a build up that cannot be matched by getting with a stranger. Simple things like a kiss or holding hands in public become much more meaningful. They are almost taboo because for so long this new facet to your relationship was either ignored or unexplored. And that is what makes it so exciting.
So ladies, lets assume then that you’ve weighed up the pros and cons and you’ve decided that your desire to get this guy is worth taking the risk. The question then, is how to go about getting him! The same as when you’re just trying to bang a dude, there will be any number of potential scenarios and we can’t go into all of them, but let’s break it down to the basics. In essence:
He’s either single or he’s in a relationship, and he either wants you or he doesn’t.
Now it could be any combination of those i.e. he’s in a relationship and doesn’t want you, or he’s in a relationship and does want you. The same applies for if he’s single. So as with part two, we’ll split this piece into two parts based around his current relationship status.
Lets begin by looking at a guy who’s single and does want you. If this is the situation you find yourself in then it is likely that something has happened between you in the past. Maybe just some drunken kisses on nights out, or maybe you sleep together sometimes, whatever the case, there is a spark between you. In essence the issue of whether or not you go well together is not a problem because you know your personalities mesh well together because your friends, and you know he finds you attractive because of the hook ups or flirting or whatever it is that’s put him in the ‘does want you’ category. The main issue then, is does this guy want a relationship? Because you’re friends you should already have this information. You should know the type of guy he is and whether he is happy being single or if he is looking for a girlfriend. Hopefully, you’re clued up enough to be able to read his behaviour around you, especially after moments of physical intimacy to know where he stands when it comes to seeing you as a potential girlfriend…but just in case you’re not, let me break it down for you. If, after you have some drunken fun together, the next day he is awkward about it or wants to ignore it, it’s probably a sign that he just views you as his friend that he fools around with and he’s scared that you might get attached. Likewise, if after you have sex, he makes excuses to leave straight away, it’s probably because once he’s bust that nut and has the moment of clarity, he doesn’t want to be with you. Again this should tell you everything you need to know about where his head is at. On the other hand, if he lies there stroking you and you share jokes and banter and he isn’t in a rush to get away, it probably means that there is a good chance he sees you as more than his good friend who he bangs occasionally.
Make him see the sexy side of you more than he ever has before.
If you think he’s the guy that doesn’t want a relationship, then you have to play it pretty sneaky. There are obviously a million reasons why he might feel this way; maybe he’s a player, or perhaps he has been hurt before, the point is, this dude is just not feeling being committed to someone. So if you want this kind of guy, you’re going to have to almost confuse him into wanting to be with you. I know, I know, that sounds weird but stay with me here. You need to be the cool girl you’ve always been that he’s grown to love as a friend, but you need to ramp up the sexual side. Be even more flirtatious. Even more tactile. Make him see the sexy side of you more than he ever has before. However, now comes the key part; you have to remain aloof. You know you want to be with this guy, your friends know you want to be with this guy, but you can’t make it obvious to him! If you become clingy, or you get jealous if he dances with other girls or takes one home, it’s going to be game over. Honestly there are few things more of a boner killer than a clingy girl who gets upset at you all the time. What you are trying to do is be the supercool girl you’ve always been, who is always so damn sexy that he can’t help but want you. Flirt like crazy but also be kind of unavailable yourself. Make him want you, but don’t let him always have you, but then when you do let him have you, fuck him into the middle of next week, so that he can’t wait to do it again. And then make him wait. Make him crave you, all the while you remain his friend who makes him laugh and who he can talk to. Do you see where this is going now? Without knowing how it happened, he can’t stop thinking about you. He realises that he wants you and not just physically. Once that seed is sown, you just need to keep making him want you until you get the feeling that he’s really into you and then you just let things naturally evolve as you would with any other guy.
If on the other hand, you know he does want a relationship, then you really have zero issues. You know he’s single, you know he wants a girlfriend, you know he wants you. It’s really just a case of putting it out there. The same rules still apply; make him want you, don’t be clingy etc but if you find yourself in this situation, you have probably been playing this game for a while anyway, so it is probably just a matter of time as long as one of you puts it on the table.
Now, if he’s single and doesn’t want you, well things become a lot more difficult. Firstly we need to establish why he doesn’t want you. Is it because he has just never looked at you that way? Or is it because he’s just not interested in you like that? As in, you’ve tried before but been flat out rejected. If it’s the latter, then I would say just leave it alone, because nothing smells worse on a girl then desperation! It’s right up there with being clingy in the dick kryptonite department. So anyway, I’d leave that alone because the task becomes infinitely more difficult if that’s the case and you don’t want to end up feeling stupid. However, should you choose to proceed, in either the latter or the former circumstance, then the key is to make him see you in a new light. Once again, using the information at your disposal is going to be key and is your best tool. From your time as friends you should know about his old relationships and what went wrong with them. You should know what he complains about and what he’s looking for. Everyone pretends at the beginning of relationships, and you’re going after someone who hasn’t even registered you on the relationship radar so you’re going to have to pretend a lot! But so what. It’s all about the end goal. So if you know that his girlfriends in the past have all been quite boring and reserved, you need to be this exciting, spontaneous and vivacious girl that he can’t help but want to be around. If you know his exes have been the sexual equivalent of a slow motion replay of paint drying then you need to show him your sexual side. Talk to him about your fantasies and grind up on him when you’re out. The point is, you need to be what he wants. Then just add in the flirting etc that we talked about before and hopefully he starts to see you differently and you have your chance to make your move. Play it delicately and always remember that boys want what they can’t have, so be what he wants, hook him in, and then make him crave you, but without pushing him away by acting to hard to get. It’s a thin line, but you’re playing a difficult game and the odds are against you so you’re going to need to be skilled!
So that’s the single guys. Onto the more treacherous and ever more controversial (I can hear my friends Laura and Katie grumbling with annoyance already!) issue of what to do if the guy you want to be with is already in a relationship.
So let’s start with if he’s in a relationship but does want you. The first thing you need to establish is what does ‘want you’ mean? As I said in the last part, I think a lot of guys will cheat if the circumstances are right, but leaving his girlfriend for you is a whole different issue. Once again we come back to using the information at your disposal to judge what kind of relationship he’s in. If he’s in a happy relationship and you know he’s in love with his girlfriend, then just walk away now. Seriously, don’t even contemplate it, because it won’t happen. Trust me when I say that even though you’re friends, maybe even best friends, if he is actually happy in his relationship, romantically you’ll only ever be casual sex at the most. And even that would probably end up ruining your relationship, because you’ll always be left wanting more. And yeah, there is probably some level of deceit and game playing you could lower yourself to in order to drive a wedge between them, you have the access and the info after all, but seriously, do you want to be that girl? Crazy is right up there with clingy and desperate in the ‘no one will ever want you’ stakes. So let’s not even go there.
Or maybe you just know that he could never be truly happy with her because he’s meant to be with you.
However, maybe you think that the girl he’s with is not right for him. Not in the ‘no one is right for him except for me because I’m a psycho and will murder any bitch that comes near him’ kind of way, but in the ‘I know him so well and I know she’s not making him happy’ kind of way. If you’re that close he probably talks to you about that kind of stuff anyway so you probably know that he’s not happy. Or maybe you just know that he could never be truly happy with her because he’s meant to be with you.
So let’s assume that you know he wants you and it’s not just for sex. Perhaps some drunken conversation where true feelings have come out, or maybe it’s just the way you are together. How you can’t help but want to spend time together, even if you only just saw each other. Can’t keep your eyes off each other. Kisses goodbye that used to be on the cheek move closer to the lips. A tension between you that didn’t used to be there. Maybe it’s unspoken, but it’s ever present. The truth is that if it’s got to that point, I guarantee that he wants it as much as you do and it’s probably only a matter of time. Even if he really likes his girlfriend, it’s going to be hard for him to resist the connection between you. That’s what love is after all right? The connection. And if both of you are willing to go through all this to be together, that’s probably the unspoken truth between you. It’s probably just a case of one of you actually putting it on the table and having the guts to say what you’re both already thinking. I mean the only way it’s not going to happen is if you’ve read things completely wrong, which means you’re either hopeless at this here game we all play, or you’re delusional and he never wanted you in the first place.
Which bring us, finally, to what if he’s in a relationship and doesn’t want you. So if you are intent on trying to steal your friend away from his girlfriend even though he has either never shown any interest in wanting to be more than just friends with you or has flat out told you before there is nothing romantic between you, then the same rules apply as for the single guy that doesn’t want you. But I’m not going to go into the details again because the truth is you probably need someone to tell you to do a 180 and go in the opposite direction. I mean I’m sure there are a lot of girls who will be telling themselves that if they could just get the guy to see them in a different light, then he would know how amazing they could be together. But the truth is, above all the things we’ve talked about so far, if someone wants to be with you, you won’t have to go to extreme lengths to try and get their attention. If he’s your friend and he’s never expressed any interest in you romantically, it’s more than likely because he just doesn’t see you that way. If he’s single, apart from the risk of being disappointed, there is nothing wrong with trying if you’re willing to risk it, but if he’s in a relationship do you really want to cause that much drama and risk ruining your friendship for something that if you’re honest with yourself, was never really on the cards in the first place. The heart wants, what the heart wants, and I’m a firm believer in going after what will make you happy, but sometimes you just need to be honest with yourself and admit that what you want is never going to happen. It may hurt, but it will be better for you in the long term.
So that’s it. Long I know. But it’s a complicated subject, and the reality is that when feelings are involved, no one can predict what’s going to happen. I guess you just have to use the information you have to make the best decisions possible, weighing up what you want with the possible consequences if it goes wrong. Whichever category you find yourself in, and whatever you decide to do, the one thing I’d say is something that I’ve believed to be true my whole life across all areas;
It’s better to regret something you did, than to regret not doing it at all.
If not taking a shot will haunt you more than the possible rejection would, then just fucking go for it. You only live once and regrets are baggage that no one needs. Just be sure. Crossing that boundary is something that few can come back from, whether the result is good or bad. It could ruin your friendship, or maybe it could be the start of a life long love letter. There’s no way to tell.
Like we all know…feelings change everything.
Next up in part 3 we’ll look at getting a guy back. As always, feel free to leave comments or ideas about future articles, as your input is muchos appreciated. Much love peeps.x