Ghosting. What is it and why do guys do it?

So I’m sitting around the other day trying to think of something to write about but I’m struggling big time. I mean I’m drawing a serious blank. So in a last ditch attempt to find some inspiration, I reach out to another blogger who writes an awesome blog called Not Just Sex. Along with being a really good writer, she’s hilarious and has an uncompromising view on all things sex, so I highly recommend you check it out. But I digress, the point is I hit her up to ask what she, as a female sex blogger, would be interested to read about coming from the male perspective. She gave me some good ideas which, apart from making me feel like a muppet for not thinking of myself, were just what I needed. Among these ideas, she suggested writing about the dating phenomenon known as ‘ghosting’.

So what is it? You may not have heard the term but you more than likely know what it is. It’s when you’re dating someone and then all of a sudden they break it off without a word. They just disappear like a ghost. Obviously no one is immune to this phenomena. Both men and women can get ghosted and the worst part about it is that most of the time, it’s a complete shock to the other person. Whether it should be a shock is another matter. I tend to think there was probable plenty of available information that should have given fair warning, but hey, that’s just me. That’s a talk for another time. In this post I’m going to focus on guys, and why they ghost on a girl, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that girls don’t do it as well.

The more common variety of ghosting is when a girl sleeps with a guy and then never hears from him again.

I think ghosting comes in two forms. The first is when a guy and a girl are dating and then just when she thinks it might be going somewhere, the dude disappears quicker than a Nick Clegg promise on tuition fees. The second and probably more common variety of ghosting is when a girl sleeps with a guy and then never hears from him again. You know, hit and quit. One and done. Smash and dash. The ol’ one night Houdini.

We’ll deal with the latter first because it’s a lot easier to explain. Why would a guy who seemingly liked you a lot, just disappear after having sex with you? Why would he pretend to be such a nice guy and then just vanish once you’d given up the most valuable chip you have in the dating game? Hmmmmmm. I assume we’re looking for an answer more sophisticated than ‘to get you into bed’ (shame on you if you don’t get the reference!). The dude is obviously an arsehole who only ever wanted to get into your knickers and would have said anything to make it happen. It really is that simple. Some guys just want to fuck as many girls as possible and have literally zero interest in you as a person. It’s not you, it’s nothing you did and there is probably nothing you could have done. You could have been the perfect girl for him if he’d have stuck around and bothered to invest in getting to know you, but it makes not one shred of difference because this type of guy was closed off to that option from the beginning. We live in age where anyone can swipe right enough times to find someone willing to fuck them, so with sexual encounters easier than ever to arrange, is it any surprise that some dudes are just looking to up their numbers? Doesn’t make it legit, just is what it is. So the answer to the question? He ghosts because he couldn’t give one solitary fuck about you. Harsh, but no point in burying your head in the sand. He probably had other girls he was lining up at the time, and the best thing any girl could do when faced with this situation is leave this dude and the whole experience in the rear view mirror and hope that it made you a little bit wiser in order to spot the next one so as to avoid him. Don’t waste time waiting for him to phone. Don’t message him asking him to explain. Definitely don’t confront him unless you want to come off looking desperate. Just accept it as what it is. A learning experience that hopefully gave you a good orgasm. If you didn’t even get that much than you probably dodged a bullet anyway.

So onto the other type. This one is a lot more complicated because if it’s not just sex he was after than he must have had some kind of emotional connection with the girl. This kind of ghosting tends to happen when a relationship reaches the fork in the road where a decision needs to be made; you know, the ‘where is this going’ moment.

Let’s not mince words here. It’s Cowardice

We could talk about this for ages and talk about the psychological impact of commitment and the fear of closeness or whatever, but why bother. Lets not mince words here. It’s cowardice! Some dude is with a girl that he is into a little bit, she gets overly attached and then when the time comes to commit, rather than just be honest, he ghosts. I’m sure we’d all agree that breaking up is a bitch of a thing to do. It’s a cold mo’fo who can hurt someone in that way and not care about it. Ghosting is just a result of this. The awkward silences, the tears, the feeling of guilt…I mean that’s a horrible thing to deal with. But even if you can’t do that, there are other options.

The first option for any dude is just to tell her face to face. Grit your teeth, deal with the look of hurt on her face and just tell her the truth. Can’t muster the balls do to that? Go for the phone call option. At least it’s still a live version of you even if it is a bit pathetic. Nope? Not feeling that? How about the text message break up? Impersonal and you are basically admitting you are a weasel with no balls, but apparently 56% of break ups happen like that these days and at least it still gets the point across. No? Really dude?!…Well I guess you could always just ghost?

In essence breaking up with someone just seems too much like hard work.

And there it is. In a world where popularity is measured by likes of a photo on social media and new relationships and encounters are often made via swipes or clicks, the world of dating has become so fast paced that people feel almost nonchalant about ghosting someone. In essence breaking up with someone often just seems too much like hard work, when you can move on to the next girl simply by launching an app on your phone.

So the answer to the question? Guys ghost in this type of situation because they are too chicken shit to do what needs to be done. Despite it being the height of cowardice, it just seems a lot easier to just disappear than to explain why he doesn’t want to be with you. Could you have done things differently to make him stay? Maybe. Does it excuse his behaviour? Absolutely not. I guess just take heart in the fact that most guys, even if we are prone to being dicks, won’t ghost a girl once we’ve actually got something going with them. And if a guy does do it you, trust me, that is not the type of guy you needed in your life.

And there it is. Some dudes just want to fuck a girl and then move on once they’ve got their dick wet, and some just want to get out of a relationship without causing themselves any hassle regardless of how it leaves the girl feeling. Not ideal, but no point in wasting time waiting for some guy you like to call you back just because you can’t understand how he could act in such a callous manner. You’re better off swiping right yourself. Or better yet, kick it old school and get out there, make some eye contact and shake what ya mama gave ya and go and get yours!

Either way, no reason to take yourself out of the fight just because you lost one round. After all everyone loves a good comeback right?