’14 signs you’re getting the best sex of your life’. Or maybe not.

I read a feature in Cosmo this week (yeah I read Cosmo from time to time. Get over it!) which was titled ’14 signs you’re getting the best sex of your life.’ Before you read my piece you should check it out by clicking HERE. So anyway, it’s by the always hilarious and very talented Lane Moore,  I did really enjoy it a lot actually, but still, as I read it, I couldn’t help but think how some of the points were so far from what I think a woman could expect from the best sex of her life that I thought I would look at the points in the feature and give my take on them. So here goes!

1. He always makes sure you come first.

Can’t really disagree with this one as a general point. If your satisfaction isn’t of paramount importance to him then you should straight up boot him out the door for bringing that weak sauce to your table!

2. He reciprocates oral sex.

I had a problem with this one. If the fact he’s going down on you is the measuring stick that leads him to being the best ever then there is a problem. Let me explain. It should be a standard. Much like girls that don’t give head, surely these dudes that don’t go down are going to be extinct soon. It shouldn’t be that you feel like you’ve found a winner just because he does it, because believe me, there are plenty of us that love doing it. If we’re talking the best ever, then it should be HOW he does it. It’s all about tekkers homie!

3. He doesn’t make fun of your fantasies.

Again. Really? What kind of dudes are girls sleeping with that this now qualifies as making him the best ever?! Surely a girl with fantasies is a good thing! Most guys complain about a girl not having enough fantasies not laugh at them when they do. I don’t care what she says. The crazier the better. Unless it’s dressing up as clowns. Clown sex is not cool with me.

4. He doesn’t ignore your non-vagina erogenous zones.

This one just straight upset me because it makes me think that there are a bunch of girls out there having sex with guys who have zero idea what they’re doing. It implies that neck, ears, back, collarbone, breasts, booty, thighs…we could go on…are all ignored. But seriously, the fact a guy doesn’t just focus on your pussy should not propel him to the top! That should be a standard! How has such incompetence become so normal that when you find a guy that just does what should be the bare minimum, he automatically rises to the top of the tree! Sweet Moses!!!

5. He doesn’t feel threatened by your vibrator.

I hate guys that feel like this! #killyourself! It’s ridiculous. If you find a girl that wants to use sex toys then you’ve got a winner! On the flip side if you have a guy that has a problem with it, then just beat him to death with a dildo and move on to the next one. Effective and infinitely ironic!

6. He’s up for trying new things.

HE’S A GUY!!! THIS SHOULD BE STANDARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I a parallel universe here?! Who are girls sleeping with that this is now considered to be an above average trait?!?!

7. He never makes you feel weird about your body. Ever.

I’ll give her this one. If a dude makes you feel body conscious then the sex will never reach the levels it could. For it to be truly transcendent, both parties need to be fully into the moment and not worrying about any insecurities, so having a guy that makes you feel like a goddess is key to reaching that sexual Mount Olympus.

8. He doesn’t push your head near his penis.

I get where she’s going with this. If he’s doing that all the time then that is going to annoy any girl. BUT (don’t hate me hear girls) maybe take the hint? I mean if you go down on him a lot then obviously tell him to jog on for being such an impatient and presumptive doiche, but if you don’t…well…you get where I’m going with this. Also, some girls like it. Being dominated and maybe even treated a bit rough down there. That’s all preference though. I don’t think this point is indicative of the best sex ever though. It just means that either a) he’s a dick or b) you should be blowing it more.

9. He kisses you after oral sex.

Should be standard. I mean don’t get me wrong, if she’s got my come on her face then we ain’t gonna be face nuzzling! But kissing after some quality Down Town Lester Brown? Please. That’s so minor.

10. He stops when you say stop.

As opposed to rapes you? Literally shaking my head right now. But seriously, surely, as she says in her feature, this is something every guy should do.

11. He’s so big on consent it borders on annoying.

Nope. Nuh uh. Negative. No girl I’ve ever been with wants to be asked. We’re not talking anal sex here or big things, because I’m sure you would have discussed that stuff previously and will know where the boundaries are with things like that. But during sex, I have found nothing turns a woman off faster than asking questions. ‘Is that okay?’, ‘can I bend you over?’, or the always popular ‘how does it feel?’. Girls want you to be a man dammit! Take control and have some awesome sex. If you have to ask if she’s enjoying it then just stop. Get up. Leave. Do not go back. Seek help.

12. You tell him he’s the best you’ve ever had and you’re not lying.

Can’t argue with that. Legit if you think about him when you’re playing with yourself then you know shit is good. As a guy, I can say that when we do that about a girl there is literally no higher sexual compliment.

13. You don’t want to get up to pee afterwards, even though you know you should.

She says this is because you might have sex again, presumably because it was so good. I’m cool with that. Obviously don’t pee on me though. Not cool. I don’t think.

14. You almost want to cancel date night and just skip right to the bedroom.

Yeah all over this one. I mean I love food but when that lust just can’t wait, mmmmm…yeah that’s the one. And worst comes to worst, you can always combine the two right!

So some good points that indicate top quality bedroom antics, and some that I think are a bit less indicative of said quality. Overall I think my message would be, don’t let the shit sex make average sex seem like great sex. You deserve amazing sex that blows your mind every time because of how ridiculous it is. Knee trembling, headboard breaking, back scratching, toe curling, hair pulling, can’t stop, won’t stop, out of this world sex.

It’s out there and you should settle for nothing less.