Mansplaining: Man flu and the terrifying truth. Honest.

I write a lot of stuff, some serious, some a bit tongue in cheek but what I want to write about today is not only completely serious in nature, but is also, really close to my heart. The reason for this is that I am a man flu survivor. Like so many men I wake up everyday with the knowledge that at any moment I could feel the familiar pain behind the eyes, and the energy sapping onset of fever that heralds the coming of the deadly, life taking virus.  Having survived it and lived through the devastation, I feel like now is the time to really open up about the realities of man flu.

1. It is a real thing.

There is a conspiracy that has permeated the general female psyche that man flu is just some made up thing. A fabrication created by the male populace to induce sympathy from our girlfriends and wives. This couldn’t be further from the truth. As Dr. James Aucuneidée of the French Institute of Viral Examination says;

‘Man flu is without a doubt a real phenomena. We don’t really have an understanding of how it works, hence why there is such a high mortality rate. All we know is that it is without a doubt the single greatest viral threat that mankind has, and likely will ever face. It really is quite terrifying.’

Terrifying indeed Doctor. Terrifying indeed.

2. It really is a killer.

According to unpublished statistics taken from research carried out by the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) that I have managed to get  hold of through a dangerous and expensive black market information dealer, man flu is expected to be fatal in 76% of cases. If you are a survivor like me, I love you brother and God bless you. We made it. But let’s not forget those that didn’t.

3. It’s everywhere.

Unlike many viruses that are kept in check by geographical constraints, man flu knows no such limitations. It can be found in every corner of the globe. I can’t say this for sure, but I’m pretty sure Apollo Creed had man flu and that’s why he died. Why is this important? He was a millionaire. No one is safe. No one. Except women of course. They got off easy with periods.

4. know the symptoms.

It’s important, especially for the female population to recognise the symptoms and how you can help. The best defence and only hope you have of saving your man’s life is in preventing the onset from becoming the full blown virus. We’ll look at prevention in a moment, but there is no point in doing that before we understand the symptoms. So if he hasn’t done the washing up, hasn’t hoovered or done the other things you’ve asked him to do, consider, is he being lazy? Possibly. Or perhaps his body is being internally ravaged by this invisible yet deadly assassin! Likewise, if he doesn’t make dinner or do the shopping he was supposed to do, maybe it is because his energy is being stolen by ‘la causa de metro de los hombres’ as the spanish call it. In reality it would probably always be safer to just not moan at him, do it yourself, and then bring him a beer. Just in case.

5. What can be done?

Well, the main thing to remember is that you never want to exasperate the symptoms. Once man flu has hit the final stages in its viral progression, it is more than 99% fatal. So it is important to tackle the symptoms immediately. Below are some things you can do to help save your man’s life:

  • Let him watch what he wants. Studies have shown that the positive endorphins released by watching something entertaining can encourage T cell receptors to activate and combat the virus.
  • Encourage him to go out with the boys. Being around other men has been known to stave off the effects as the little known ‘bro cell’ activates and enhances natural immune responses. This has been found to be particularly effective in certain establishments such as gentlemen clubs.
  • Don’t moan at him. The current scientific school of thought is that moaning at any time, whether he is sick or not, can encourage harmful bacteria to enter his body as any and all things look to avoid the shrill tone of the female voice when it is annoyed, so the bacteria takes refuge in the nearest place it can to find safety, and this can often lead to the formation of the man flu virus.
  • Finally, it has been scientifically proven that giving a man fellatio is a guaranteed prevention. It literally works every time. So in essence, by not giving him a blowjob, you are making him get sick. Shame on you.

So there we have it. Just some facts about the horrible and chilling disease known as man flu. Stone cold, proven facts. Most people reading this will have been affected at some point in their lives and may even have a man in their life who this very second is struggling to get to the fridge. But we can make a difference. If we as a society, rise up, spread the word and eliminate the stigma, we can create a world in which men need not live in fear of the sudden and life changing onslaught that follows man flu contraction.

To those out there in the struggle right now, just know that you are not alone. Every sneeze, every bit of sweat, every body shattering ache, every time you can’t reach the control…you are not alone.

Stay strong brothers. Stay strong.