I read something this week about a couple that always have quite different sex. Sometimes it’s rough, sometimes it’s quick and sometimes it’s all kinds of freaky. But is that common? Do most people have adventurous and spontaneous sex lives or are they stuck in a routine of monotony? Maybe, maybe not, either way there is a whole lot of fun to be had, so I thought I’d look at some of the sex we all know and love…or hate. Well sex we can all relate to anyways!
Everyone loves a quicky! Sure sometimes you want to have a long and sweaty session, and of course no woman wants a guy that nuts like his spunk thinks it’s an olympic 100 metre race, but that’s not what a quicky is about. The quicky is all about intensity and spontaneity; the feeling of not being able to wait to get it on until there is adequate time for the whole shebang, and so it goes off like a firework wherever you can find a place. Quick, passionate, probably messy, but always awesome.
2. The ‘I’m too tired but I know we should’ sex.
Yourself from 5 years ago would slap the shIt out of you for feeling this way.
Couples specifically can relate to this one. Maybe you’ve been on a night out, or maybe it’s just that you planned to have an intimate night after a long week at work, whatever the case, the idea is to have some sex. All good. Except when the time comes, you’re both absolutely shattered. You know that you should have sex and you know that yourself from 5 years ago would slap the shit out of you for feeling this way, but the truth is, you just want to lay in bed and go to sleep. But neither of you wants to be the one to say it. Sometimes one will crack and hint that maybe tonight is a lost cause, and then the other jumps on board like a starving man on a christmas ham and agrees, ensuring neither party loses face at this one-off blip in what, both parties tell themselves, is an otherwise sensational sex life. However sometimes, neither party cracks. So the sex is had. Begrudgingly. On the bright side, once you get going, you immediately remember why sex is so awesome, and then you sleep like a heroine addict in an opium den.
3. The ‘I want to impress you’ sex.
Everyone knows this sex. It’s normally when things are just starting out. You’ve talked a big game and now it’s time to deliver. It’s like you’re the sexual equivalent of a Harlem Globetrotter. You pull out every single move you have, saying and doing things that you might never have said or done, going down like if you’re there long enough Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher will pop out and start yelling ‘Hooyah’ at your perseverance, doing any and everything in your power to convince this person that you are in fact, the best sex they will ever had. Factually, you will never be as freaky and as open to try shit as you are in the beginning. I don’t really get off on involving food, but if it turns you on I’ll dip myself in cheese and wrap myself in breadcrumbs. It’s just the way it is at the beginning!
4. The ‘I just want this to be over’ sex
You know it’s bad when you think ‘fuck the chill, I’ll just take the Netflix!’
I talked about this recently in my blog about the worst sex of my life, but I’m sure everyone has had one of these experiences. You know how it goes, he’s on top and drilling away like he thinks he’s Bruce Willis in Armageddon, when in reality he’s more Jim In American Pie. Likewise every guy can relate to the girl who lays there and does nothing and then occasionally gets on top and screams like a banshee while you look around and wish the TV was a little bit more to the right so you could watch the end of the movie. You know it’s bad when you think ‘fuck the chill, I’ll just take the Netflix!’
5. The ‘Morning after a night out’ sex.
Everyone loves a bit of a rise and shine bang right! Starts the day off perfectly, jump starts the body and puts you in a great mood. Don’t worry about the 200 quid you blew on the night out, or the fact you fell asleep with garlic mayo on your nose, morning sex makes even the worst hangover seem acceptable! He may have snored like a dying wildebeest and she may have eyelashes hanging from her lips, but you’re in it together, and that’s what matters!
6. The ‘I read this wrong’ sex.
You’ve had some freaky conversations that have involved plenty of naughty innuendo. So you try to put it in the butt, but she is having none of it and the mood is killed. ‘Yeah, yeah…um..my bad.’
7. The ‘this is awkward’ sex.
And then finally it’s done, you exchange ‘the look’ and hope to god that neither of you ever mentions this moment again.
If you can’t relate to this, then long may your luck continue! This type of sex is quite simply horrendous. It happens when you start having sex with someone who you’ve been really excited to sleep with. You want this person and you have fantasised about this person and built it up so much in your mind that you know when it goes down it is going to absolutely rock your world. Except it doesn’t. You quickly realise that this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they are just useless, or maybe now that you’re into it, you realise that the spark was not actually there. Whatever the problem, it’s too late to go back, so you persevere, both knowing that this train wreck of a sexual mistake is probably going to rank up there with the worst you’ve ever had. And then, when it’s finally done, you exchange ‘the look’ and hope to god that neither of you ever mentions this moment again, all the while looking for a window to jump out of to avoid any awkward post sex conversation.
8. The ‘out of this world sex’.
If you have to think about whether you’ve had this kind of sex then trust me, you haven’t. This is the kind of sex that leaves a girl a sweaty, shaking mess afterwards, and leaves a guy feeling like he might be about to go into a sex coma the likes of which he’ll never wake up from. It’s the kind of sex that brings together every element and fuses them together to create a harmony of delicious sexual friction that blows the doors off all the other sex you’ve ever had. The person is just right. The time is just right. The anticipation is just right. The technique, the mood and place are just right. Aphrodite, Venus and Freyr have all descended from their respective heavens and blessed this union and BAM, before you know it you’re lying back, a sweaty, out of breath, happy and satisfied mess, knowing that your sexpectations for future sexual liaisons have changed forever.