The worst sex of my life chronicles: #2: Busted.

So the last time we talked about this, I told you about the girl with the rats, which you can check out HERE. I’m still not over that one by the way. But everyone else seemed to enjoy it, so whatever. Anyways, I was talking to a friend of mine this week when I was doing my piece about whether the amount of sexual partners one has is an issue, and while she was giving me her take she also told me that the stuff she enjoyed most on my blog, was the real life stuff. With that in mind, I present to you another tale from my sexual past that still mortifies me, but also makes me laugh.

So the first thing I should say about this story is that the sex itself wasn’t bad. It was good actually. It was the morning after a night out and I’d gone back with this girl to her friend’s house. I’d met her before, she was a cool girl and she was down visiting her friend for a few days. We’d kissed a few times but never slept together, so it was all strange, new and obviously exciting to be fucking her. So anyway, we’d had sex when we got in from the night out, and then passed out in a complete state. You now what I mean, the kind of state where you wake up and your hair is everywhere, her makeup is all over her face and both of you look like something out of the Walking Dead. But it’s cool, because you’re into each other. So anyway, as you do when you wake up and you can’t wait to shag again, we started getting down to it. It was the height of summer at the time, so the covers were thrown to the floor, and we had sweaty, horribly sticky yet amazing, morning sex. All good so far.

This is when shit got weird. So in between all the writhing and moaning and changing positions, I decided ‘nah, I’m not done yet, I want to tease her a bit more‘ and so I move down her body and start biting her inner thighs and using my tongue, just waiting for the moment when she can’t take it anymore and I bend her over and…well you know by now how I like it rough. Now, I find I never really consider what I look like when having sex or during foreplay; I mean I’ve filmed a few things and looked in the mirror sometimes, but for the most part I’m just in the moment. Nothing really gives rise for me to do that. Until the moment how you look is ALL THAT MATTERS!

Why? Because as I’m biting her thighs, her legs spread wide and my arse kind of in the air, I here a sound outside the door and a man’s voice saying something about a tie. I freeze slightly for a few reasons. Firstly just because I don’t want the girl to make any noise, but secondly, who the fuck is the man? I thought this was a house full of girls. It’s then that I clock the wardrobe in the room and notice that the door is open and inside is a rack full of mens clothes. And ties. Dear God, there are actually ties in there. I’ve never seen so many ties!!!!! I mean it’s like fucking Tie Rack in there! I’m expecting some woman to come out and try and sell me a scarf and cufflinks.

At that moment the whole world slows down. It’s like the Matrix, and much like Neo I can see exactly what the fuck is about to happen and I can do nothing about it. It starts with the turn of the door knob. The door opening too quick for me to make any kind of defensive move. And then it happens. The friend’s dad walks in and locks eyes with me. No lie, my arsehole is actually staring at him, sweat literally dripping down my balls whilst the girl has her tits out and her pussy on show and only two hands with which to cover the three areas. I would have had more dignity if someone caught me shitting in the woods while bashing one out to a Spice Girls poster. But it’s happened now. He’s seen it, and as horrendous as it is, it’s done, he’ll leave and hopefully the shock of the situation will blank it from his mind, as he must be as shocked as we are and as desperate to get out of the room as we are for him to leave it.

Or not. As it happens, her friends dad is a bit of a lad and rather than leave the room, smiled at us and said the immortal words;

‘Don’t mind me!’

He then proceeded to walk into the room and start to look through his ties, taking his time I might add, and then picked out his shirt. All the while, the girl and I have not moved. Still naked. Still so so painfully naked. The look on my face frozen in the expression that you would make if someone just caught you…well fucking I suppose. You can imagine. Horror and shock sum it up. After a few minutes that seem like hours, he left the room, with a;

‘Okay then, thanks guys.’

Legit…epic boner killer. You know that emoji with the monkey that covers his eyes? That was me afterwards. On the bright side, he did make some epic bacon sandwiches for us. Every cloud and all that…