Let me take you back to 2006. Or something like that. I was at uni, coming to the end of the year, all the final essays were done, I’d just smashed the final Drama performance of the year and I was on a night out with more or less the entire campus. Things were getting real messy and everyone was on that hedonistic vibe. You can imagine how it is right? It’s the end of the year, the last month has been full of stress and people being dicks to each other and losing their shit because they’ve left all the 4,000 word essays to the last minute which has resulted in all nighter after all nighter, and now, finally, everyone can just cut lose.
the only way to stay awake was to get even more trashed and to put absolutely everything in my body that was put in front of me!
So I was out at this bar and I was fully trashed. I hadn’t slept for a few days because I’d pulled the aforementioned all nighters, because as always I was fully lastminute.com with all of my coursework and so the only way to stay awake was to get even more trashed and to put absolutely everything in my body that was put in front of me! I was past tired, and on a full on bender, the kind of which you will regret horrendously when you finally slow down. But that time had not yet arrived!
So I got talking to this girl who was in one of my classes who I had always had a bit of a thing for. We’d flirted a lot in the past and there was obviously something there, but we’d never actually done anything about it, which of course only added to how bad I wanted her. Translation: I was gagging to bang the fuck out of her.
Finally she told one of the other guys from my course ‘I’m fucking him tonight.’
As the night went on, people came and went, shots were bought, conversation degraded and it became obvious where the night was heading. Finally she told one of the other guys from my course ‘I’m fucking him tonight’. I was sitting right there, and apart from being excited by the confirmation, I was a bit shocked by the forwardness of her sexual aggression. So anyways, the night came to an end, and we were walking down the road, both sloppy drunken shambles and loving every minute of it.
Well…you know the drill by now…this is when shit got weird.
So as I was babbling on about getting us a cab to hers, not really paying attention to anything, before I knew what was going on, I was getting into her car. I all of a sudden snapped back to reality and jumped out of the car and proceeded to have a drunken argument with her about the moral and judicial implications of drink driving.
‘No fucking way am I jumping in a car with you when you’re that much of a state!’
With that she told me to fuck off, got in and drove off and left me standing there with my metaphorical dick in my hands! About 15 minutes later, she messaged me saying how she was home safe and how I should be there. I was still standing on the street corner looking like I was waiting for business or slanging rocks, so clearly something had to give. So I called up one of my boys who dragged his arse out of bed to pick me up and take me home. That was still the plan halfway there, but then my phone lit up and it’s the girl on the phone telling me to get a cab to hers because she’s still bang on it. I had her on loud speaker of course, and my friend, showing ultimate brocode, gives me the nod that tells me it’s all good. So I tell her I’ll be there in ten minutes.
Now it’s important that you understand how trashed I was. To illustrate, I’ll just say that I was the kind of drunk where I got my dick out in the car to make sure it was fluff free and then asked my friend if it looked all good because I was too drunk to see. Jhhhheeeeeez. #sorrynotsorry
She pushed me into her room and shoved me onto the bed and began to tie me up by my wrists.
So anyway, when we arrived at her house, I phoned her, and she comes out wearing the tiniest little t-shirt, a thong, and her boots from the night out. You know shit is on like Donkey Kong when a girl greets you like that. So I give my boy some love and he drives off and I’m thinking the sexual carnage is about to begin. Well there was carnage I’ll tell you that much. As soon as we got in the house she starts kissing me and telling me she’s gonna make me pay for not coming back with her. Even back then I was up for the rough stuff so I was thinking it was going to be all good. She pushed me into her room and shoved me onto the bed and began to tie me up by my wrists. I was mad into it and thinking she was gonna give me that good head and then ride the fuck out of me.
And that, for the second time that night, is when shit got weird.
So anyway, she continues what I can only refer to as a full on beat down, which left me simultaneously terrified and horny as fuck.
Once she had me tied up, she moved down and tied my ankles as well. I’d never had that done, but thought I’d go with it. Mistake. The second she’d finished, she straddled me and told me to apologise for leaving her. I laughed, thinking she was mucking about, at which point she slapped the hell out of me! I was shocked! Was this still foreplay? I mean what the fuck! She then proceeded to kiss me all over my body, whilst simultaneously pinching me and slapping me, all the while telling me how bad I’d been for leaving her. She was fucking loving it. You should have seen the smile on her face, she looked like the fucking Joker! So anyway, she continues what I can only refer to as a full on beat down, which left me simultaneously terrified and horny as fuck. When finally she jumped on top and started riding me, I thought the worst was behind me. Not so. She started riding me, harder and harder, until she stopped abruptly. I’m talking instant…and I see her do that thing people do when they are trying not to be sick. I’m screaming at her to get to the toilet but for some reason she carries on trying to ride me whilst simultaneously trying to not be sick. By this point, I feel like I’ve entered the Twilight Zone and just want to go home. But alas, fate can be a cruel mistress. The girl eventually lost her fight against her oesophagus and yaks everywhere, and I mean everywhere, on me, the bed, the floor….everywhere. NOW she decided to jump off of course and runs to the toilet and I can hear what sounds like a fucking exorcism going on inside, all the while I’m lying on the bed, beaten up, lip bleeding, somehow still with a boner and surrounded by puke. Now I don’t know if you’ve ever had someone else’ sick on you when you’re wankered but it’s probably one of the most horrific things I’ve ever experienced. I felt sick. Which of course meant I was sick. Again, it went everywhere. On the bed, on me, the floor…everywhere. The roaring tyrannosaurus in the bathroom had now fallen silent and I could see that she had passed out with he head still on the toilet and no matter how much I shouted she would not wake the fuck up!!!
So I lay there. Naked. Disgusting. Probably bleeding internally and feeling any hint of dignity I may have possessed drift away. I literally smelt of shame. Staring at the ceiling, contemplating the steps that took me to that moment, all the while knowing how funny everyone else is going to find it. When the morning finally came, well, if you think you’ve had an awkward moment in the morning after a one night stand when you both first wake up, believe me, you can’t even imagine.
On the bright side, we got good marks for our Drama performance. Every cloud and all that.
THE MANSPLANATION 