The worst sex of my life chronicles: #4: The facial.

The year was 2006. I was in Kavos with my boys blowing off some steam after a hard year at uni. Well not hard. But exams can be a bitch and it’s always good to blow off some steam with your boys. On this particular night I was on a bar crawl getting absolutely obliterated. Towards the end of the night (I.e about 5 in the morning) I found myself walking through the concourse, stumbling around, having lost the rest of my crew, in a complete state and basically not really knowing what the fuck was going on. It was at this most drunken of moments that I fortuitously came across a girl that I’d seen at the pool a few times. I’d actually been trying it on with her mate earlier in the night, but had been blown out of the water, and by this time of the night and with that much alcohol in my system, I wasn’t really being that selective with my affections.

So anyway, I got to talking to her and it was quite clear that she was feeling it. In other words, sex was definitely going to happen, it was just a question of logistics. One of my mates had already passed out and chucked up in our apartment which was the typical small, nat and ant infested shit tip you come to expect on these types of holidays, so needless to say, I didn’t really think that was an option. More a last resort. It was at this moment that fate stepped in and I saw a cleaner walk up some stairs with a bucket and mop and go on her merry way (don’t ask me why so early!). I dropped the most ridiculous of lines ever; ‘shall we go and see what’s down there?’ to which she, obviously knowing my intention was to just get her somewhere and pile drive the shit out of her, replied; ‘yeah okay.’ Game on.

We went down there and as it turns out it was a utility room type of thing, which I suppose makes sense. I couldn’t find a light switch or anything and so we were in there for a few minutes, standing in the dark, talking rubbish. It was getting to that awkward stage and she obviously just thought, fuck it, he knows the score, I know the score, let’s just do this. She pulled me in and started kissing me in the feverish and faux-passionate way that drunk people do and before long I had her bent over what I have always assumed was a washing machine, which judging from her telling me to do it harder, didn’t seem to bother her.

I gave her the good (subjective lol), hard, drunken fuck I’m guessing she was expecting and after a while I could feel that I was getting close to finishing so I said to her, keeping in mind (which I’m not proud of and don’t advocate!) we weren’t using any protection; ‘where do you want me to cum? In you or on you?’ which at the time I thought was pretty mature of me. ‘But you could have just pulled out’…yeah, hindsight and all that. Anyways, she told me to cum on her, so after going for a bit longer, I pulled out and she spun round and dropped to her knees.

And that…is when shit got weird.

So I came as she wanked me off. She took it on the face as well which was cool seeing as she was in control. That is not the weird part though. That in of itself is always awesome. If you’ve never let a dude do that, then treat him next time, because he’ll love it. We all do, it’s awesome. It’s also not degrading despite what some feminist yappers harp on about…but anyway, I digress. So I came on her face and a good time was had by all. I couldn’t really enjoy the full extent of the moment because it was so dark, but I knew what had happened so it was all good.

Once trouser, belts, bra’s and knickers and whatever else were put back into some kind of order we made our way back up the stairs to re-enter the world, a perfect dirty liaison that would forever remain secret and sexy. That is until we get to the top of the stairs and she looks at me with my spunk literally all over her face still. To this day, I don’t know if she knew or not. I’m still confused. I mean how could she not know that she looked like someone had just thrown a pot of yoghurt all over her face!!!???

Now ladies, once a guy shoots his load, especially on your face, theres those post sex moments where you both enjoy the filth and revel in the carnal nature of what you’ve just done, but pretty soon, you both need to have some chill. The sex drive is momentarily gone and the last thing the guy wants is for you to just lay there with cum on your face, let alone, stand there in the middle of a concourse!!! I’ve always assumed that the girl didn’t want that either, hence why both parties normally run to the bathroom or nearest tissue roll before the post sex cuddle! So by this time I was starting to trip out a bit. Why the fuck is she just standing there and not wiping it off?!? It continued to get more bizarre as she then asked me to walk her home. So picture me, walking side by side with this girl who is chatting away to me, all the while my cum is literally dripping down her face…well maybe not literally, but you get the point. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. In my drunken state, it actually started to become a bit of a nightmare!!!

When we finally got to her door, she invited me in for round 2. Yeah, She invited me in. I feel like maybe it was her first one night holiday bang, because she was breaking every rule in the book!!! But then came the worst moment. She grabbed by shoulders and tried to pull me in for a kiss. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! You are wearing my spunk like a facemask fully twenty minutes after I came on you!!! What is wrong with you woman!!!!! Needless to say, I rejected that advance, mumbled something and basically did a Usain and ran the fuck away.

Twenty minutes later I was in a bar at stupid o’clock, regailing my friend with the story while watching Mike Tyson get bashed up by Kevin McBride. When you see that and it’s not the most unexpected and surreal think that happened to you that night, you know shit was fucked up!!!

I saw her the next day at the pool and after some awkward looks and trying not to laugh, we got to talking and arranged to go clubbing again that night.

Holidays huh!lol