Sex is awesome. We all know this right? If your answer to that question is no…um…well either you misread the question or you’re doing something wrong! Prostitution in this country is worth anywhere from 3-9 billion pounds a year and the sex toy industry was estimated to be 14 billion dollars world wide a few years ago and both of these pale in comparison to the porn industry which is estimated to be worth more than $100 billion worldwide. This is massive money. Then there is Tinder, Grinder, Bristlr, Happn, bumble and a host of other dating apps, not to mention the  plethora of  the seedier sex/hookup sites which are becoming ever more popular for people looking for ways  to have easy access to a quick bang. And why is all this the case? Because sex is awesome.

Except when it isn’t. There is some sex that is just awful. It may seem like a good idea at the time and may even seem like it would be really sexy in theory, but in reality, it just leads to some of the worst sex you’re ever likely to have.

1.Beach sex.

In fantasy land, beach sex seems amazing. It’s out in the open so has that element of risk and excitement, it’s warm (hopefully otherwise why the hell are you on the beach?!), and the thought of rolling around on the shore with the sea cascading over your naked bodies seems like one of those experiences that could lead to one of the best moments of your life. I mean have you seen Kelly Brook in ‘Three’? Probably not because it’s shit, but the sex scene is good.

You’re either wanking a guy off with hands that are now like sandpaper, or if you finger a girl, you are literally putting sand inside someone. You’re supposed to remove the sand to get to the buried treasure!!!!

But then the reality hits. This is not what I expected. Take the sea cascading over you for instance. In reality it’s more like it splashes up into your face, leaving you half blind and coughing because of the water. Not to mention, salt water, not the best lubrication as it happens! And then there’s the sand. Up your arse, in your hair, on your hands…and then of course where do you hands go? You’re either wanking a guy off with hands that are now like sandpaper, or if you finger a girl, you are literally putting sand inside someone. You’re supposed to remove the sand to get to the buried treasure!!!! Don’t get me wrong, it might still be worth it for the experience, just don’t expect it to be as smooth as you see in the movies!

2. Sympathy sex.

This is a tough one. On the one hand, being that most of the time sympathy sex is a girl throwing a guy a bone, I want to say don’t do it. It’s not fair. On the other hand, if the guy has worked hard, it’s always good to come away with something, even if it is a consolation. One thing is for sure however, if you enter in a sexual liaison already telling yourself that this is not for your enjoyment, but rather because you feel bad, the sex will be a shambles. The recipient of the pity bang might still enjoy it though, especially if it’s a guy, but it would be like beating Brazil on Fifa with the difficulty set on beginner; you know you don;t deserve the win, it’s not very satisfying  and you know the other team aren’t really playing. But hey, a win is a win on the bright side. For the giver of the pity bang, the willingness is there, but the heart and soul are lacking. Like a boxer only in it for the pay check, the punches are just thrown with no conviction. And no one likes to see that. That’s just sad.

3. Recreated sex.

Have you ever had an awesome sexual experience that was so good you wish you could recreate it and feel the magic again? Don’t. It will never happen. Amazing sexual experiences are usually so good because they are like lightning in a bottle. Spontaneous. unexpected. And definitely not scripted. The sexual experience you are trying to recapture will no doubt have been over exaggerated in your mind to the point where even if you were to recreate it properly, it still wouldn’t be as good as the first time, leading to disappointment. Better to just be on the lookout for the next chance to create some new sexual magic!

4. Sex with a friend.

However there is also the other side. The awkward side. The side where fantasy and reality collide to reveal that the fantasy was completely wrong.

Before we go into this one, I should say that I think this one his 50/50. Crossing that line with someone who you have previously just been friends with could be amazing. Lots of relationships come from people who were friends first, so there is no doubt that a build up of lust from years of friendship could lead to explosive sex. However there is also the other side. The awkward side. The side where fantasy and reality collide to reveal that the fantasy was completely wrong, being replaced instead by something more like a business meeting in which neither party actually knows what’s on the agenda. Every touch is awkward. The kissing just feels wrong. You’re normal A stroke vanishing to be replaced by a robotic and unsymbiotic tin man stroke, until the moment when mercifully it all ends, leaving you both lying there not really knowing what just happened. Luckily you can laugh about it after. And then agree to NEVER speak of it again!!!!!

5. Porn star sex.

I feel like this is not really one that girls can take the blame for. This one is all us, dudes. Well not me. I ain’t taking the blame for that shit see! But some guys, they see some porn and want to try it out in real life. We’re not talking the generic stuff here, we’re talking some guy who thinks that because he saw it in a porno, he can all of a sudden move you into positions that he has a) never tried before and b) you can’t even get into. The girl is now bent up like a pretzel, the dude is sweating his tits off just trying to hold the position, and as yet there is no sign of actual insertion let alone any pleasure.

And then there’s the dirty talk. Now I like dirty talk. I’m a dirty talker. But there is a difference between some sexy and organic dirty talk, and porn dirty talk. most of the time, yelling at a woman that she’s a ‘filthy whore’ or that you want her to ‘take that cock’ is not going to work, unless that is something you already do. Imagine if the roles were reversed!! Imagine if she started fucking you and then started yelling ‘THIS DICK IS MINE! TAKE THIS PUSSY YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD.’ I’d be like ‘man, this chick has zero chill.’ The point is, there is some good stuff you can take from porn, and some bad stuff. If you’re thinking of becoming a shit talking sex gymnast out of nowhere, I suggest you fall into the latter!

So anyway, that’s it, and I hope you enjoyed! I’m sure we could have gone on, so maybe I’ll do a part two! As always comment below and I’ll get back to you or hit me up on Twitter @masplanation. And don’t forget to share! Much love!