My girl Belle over at NotJustSex.co.uk wrote a piece last week asking if it was okay to use men for sex and I found it interesting to hear the female perspective on it because it’s a subject that doesn’t come up that much. The normal narrative is about guys using girls for sex, which is probably because it happens a lot more that way around; however that doesn’t mean that guys don’t get used. It’s not like sex is anywhere near a taboo subject anymore and despite there still being a lot of societal ramifications and antiquated views on what a girl can and can’t do when it comes to sex, it’s not like boys are out there running wild whilst girls are hiding their sexuality under an invisible cloak of chastity and virtue. The point being, it happens. Boys get used for sex and I’m sure they get ghosted as well; the question is, is it okay? Are guys cool with it? Do we view it differently then girls do when the roles are reversed?
Now I know some people get pissed off when we talk about anything which indicates a difference in sexual standards or views when it comes to men and women, buuuuuuut, some people are also hypocrites who only care about their own viewpoint so middle of the road be damned! There is a difference in how boys and girls (obviously this is a generalisation and does not speak for everyone) view sex. In the main, guys are a lot more casual with it, whereas girls attach more meaning to it. I’m sure there is some evolutionary causation theory about seed spreading vs nurturing that tries to explain it, but whatever the case, if you don’t think guys and girls view sex differently, I think that you’re deluding yourself.
This is not to say that sex doesn’t matter to guys on more than the physical level of course. When in relationships the sex is absolutely of paramount importance because it ensures that intimacy and closeness remain in tact. The physical expression of the emotional connection is a beautiful thing and I don’t think for a second that there is a dude that wouldn’t acknowledge that when it’s with the right girl, it’s more than just sex. It transcends because it’s where the physical and the emotional meet. The external factor of the feelings makes the sex something far more important than just the physical act alone.
Having said that, when you remove the feelings entirely, I’ve known guys that have shagged someone and described it as ‘a warm wank’ which indicates how much importance they attached to it. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but I’ve never heard a girl say something like that. It’s probably the reason why girls often regret one night stands, whereas a guy will just forget about it, even if it was shit, and probably just think about it as a funny story. Guys just view sex differently when there is no external meaning attached to it; to what degree is open to debate, but like I say, I’ve rarely seen a guy get laid and then feel bad about it (cheaters not included). It’s either it was awesome or it was funny or it was a disaster, but never ‘I regret it’.
So would a guy care if a girl just used him for sex? I think for the sake of this we are going to have to discount feelings because the answer to that is probably pretty obvious. If a guy has feeling for a girl and she just uses him for sex then of course it’s not cool. Having said that, if he knows the score, is it her fault that he keeps going back for more even knowing she doesn’t want to take it further? I’d say no. If you go into something with your eyes open you can’t really complain about it after. If she leads him on, it’s obviously a completely different story, which takes us back to it not being cool, and her just being a bitch. Although, controversially, he should probably have known better and seen the signs…but that’s an issue for another day.
So what about when there are no feelings? When a girl meets a guy and just wants to bang him. This is where I think there is a difference between guys and girls, because if a guy was to meet a girl on a night out, click with her, take her home and have sex with her and then get ghosted, I don’t think he’s really going to care. I think the idea of being used takes on a completely different meaning for boys in this respect. Do I really care if a girl only sees me as a piece of meat? Honestly, not really. The intellectual stimulus is something I would cherish in a girlfriend, but if it’s someone I don’t have feeling for, am I really going to care. Sorry, but no. And I think if most guys were honest, they would admit the same. Likewise, if a girl I was seeing casually made it clear it was just for sex and she wasn’t interested in anything else, am I going to feel objectified? Well, yeah. Am I going to care? Psssssssh, no! Now, I’m not saying that roles reversed, girls would be freaking out either, although I do think on the one night stand scenario, most (again NOT all) would probably feel used in a negative sense. The main point, in relation to the initial question can be summed up like this; Does he have feelings for you, or do you know he wants more? If yes, then no it’s not cool. Not at all. If the answer is no, then fuck it, use and abuse, because in all likelihood, we are probably having just as much fun as you are.
Just remember, like Belle said; have fun, but be kind.