The worst sex of my life chronicles:#5: The Stage 5 clinger.

I can’t remember the exact year, but it was a while back, maybe 2006 or around that time. A long time ago anyway. But this one has stuck with me, maybe because it has close parallels with one of my favourite movies, Wedding Crashers.

Once again, I was on holiday with the boys. I can’t remember where exactly, but it was somewhere in Greece I think. Nothing too special or complex, just going out every night and getting on it and then sleeping half the day away before repeating the process again.

So anyway, I was out one night and I saw this rep that we’d spoken with a few times. 21, busty, wild hair, pretty.

She was of those girls who was loud and boisterous; what you might call a free spirit. I don’t recall how it happened but she ended up tagging along with our group and I in turn ended up talking with her. Fast forward a few hours and many drinks later and she was walking back with me to our apartment block. I was pretty confident about the fact that this was only ending one way and feeling pretty good about how the night had panned out. We got back, and she told me how she’d wanted this from the first moment she saw me when we first arrived. I’m like ‘yeah me to’ πŸ˜ (white lie, but hey…) and then I started kissing her. We got down to the sex which was as expected. Holiday sex is rarely ever great in my experience. None the less, a good time was had by all. After talking and for a while, we got dressed. Once we were ready, even though it was a holiday one night stand, I walked her home. No excuse to be a douche now is there!

This is when shit got weird.

She starts trying to hold my hand and asking me what time we would be meeting up the next night. The next night? Straight away I was a bit confused. She’s a rep, surely she knows how this goes? Then she drops the bombshell on me;

‘Could you tell it was my first time?’

Straight away I could feel the fear. Oh shit. Stage 5 clinger. Watch Wedding Crashers if you aren’t familiar with that concept. We walked home and the whole time she’s talking about how amazing it was and how she can’t wait to do it again tomorrow and that we should hang out during the day. My panic reached new levels when she started talking about meeting up back in England. What. The. Fuck!!!! πŸ˜±πŸ˜²πŸ˜°πŸ˜³ Once I got her home, I more or less sprinted back down the strip to get back to the apartment to tell the boys what had happened. Of course they just laughed and said they would make it their mission to find her on the next night out. Cheers lads.

So anyway, the next night which happened to be the final night, I was on that straight ninja vibe. Sticking to the shadows, ducking and diving, never walking in the middle of the strip. But again, just like in the movie, she was not willing to let it go.


She was out with her friends and she spotted our group and came running over. She was so excited to see me and they stuck around with us for the rest of the night. She literally didn’t leave my side and kept telling me how she couldn’t wait to go back to the apartment. She was kissing on my neck, biting my ear, putting her hands down my pants; I was thinking how was she only a virgin last night?!?! By the end of the night I felt abused! I tried getting away and making excuses but she was literally having none of it, and after a few hours I gave in. We went back to the apartment and had what actually turned out to be pretty good sex. For some reason she was all of a sudden really freaky, talking about how she wanted to please me and would do anything for me. I was really turned on and really terrified in equal measure. Afterwards she kept on telling me how amazing it was and how she could never imagine another man touching her. I literally felt like I wanted to die! Eventually, I walked her home, got back to my apartment and went to bed in order to catch a few hours sleep before the early flight in the morning.

Now comes the crazy part. When we were at the airport, we saw another one of the reps that we’d been cool with. He was chatting to us for a bit and the topic came up of how I got wifey’d up by the virgin rep. He instantly started laughing as said;

‘Oooooh, you mean ****! You actually fell for that? She’s literally one of the easiest girls out here! She shags two or three people a week at least! She loves it! I love that girl man, she’s such a joker.’

I stood there in shock and then relayed my story to him to make sure he hadn’t got the wrong girl.

‘Nah man, she said that to me when I first got here after I fucked her, messed me right up! She just thinks it’s funny to fuck with people’s minds. Honestly don’t worry about it, I fucked her last night, she’s definitely not a virgin dude.’

Last night?!? Turns out the apartment I dropped her to wasn’t even hers! It was this other dudes! What’s worse is they had an agreement where they would booty call each other at the end of the night if they hadn’t found anything else. So even though she shagged me, she still went back and slept with him! After all she said to me!!!! I felt so used!!!! I couldn’t believe she had played me like that but the weird thing was, it made me wish I could have another night with her! I mean, who does that?! In essence she fucked with my mind, ruined my night, then fucked me, got me to walk her home and then jumped in bed with this other guy.

Wow. Skills.

Don’t forget to check out the other parts:

#1 #2 #3