Let me start by making a few things perfectly clear. Firstly, I love women. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a bromance and hanging with the man’dem is definitely when my equilibrium is at its most settled, but having said that, nothing gets me excited like women. They are mysterious, exciting, frustrating and infinitely complex and without them life would be shit really. That’s the truth though right? On a sexual level, no one likes a bunch of hot dogs without any buns, and on a social level, how boring would it be to not have a women there to challenge us. In my experience the old adage; ‘Behind every good man is a good woman’ tends to be true. I know that I am definitely better when I’ve got that support behind me. However…this does not mean that the world of relationships is not fraught with endless peril (maybe a bit strong but you get the point) if you don’t know that there is often a massive difference between what a woman says, and what they really mean. It’s kind of like men not being able to multi task or leaving the toilet seat up. Some shit is the way it is and has been thus since the beginning of time. Not literally. So anyway, today I thought I’d give you my guide on how to suss out what a woman is really saying when she is talking to you. Enjoy. If you take this advice and it’s wrong, don’t blame me, I’m watching sports at the same time and I can’t multitask 😜

“You don’t have to come round if you don’t want to, I’m fine either way so it’s up to you.”

You absolutely do have to come round you inconsiderate prick!

The fact you aren’t already there is probably already going to be an issue. Whatever you’re doing, stop immediately and get ready as fast as you can. I don’t care if you’re halfway through the season finale of GOT. That shit will keep. I don’t care if you’re putting out a kitchen fire, let the muthafucka burn! Just get your ass there now unless you want her to melt your face with her passive aggressive rage when you do eventually see her!

“Just come home. We’ll talk when you get home.”

You fucked up.

What the fuck did I do? I haven’t done anything have I? Fuck. What did I forget? did I take a selfie with someone I shouldn’t have? Was I supposed to book something? Did I leave something out? FUCK! Start racking your brain. Maybe don’t go home, or maybe buy some flowers. I don’t know. I’m panicking now just imagining.

“Yeah anytime is cool.”

Anytime is not cool. You should know what time but probably didn’t pay attention because you were watching something because you’re a useless wanker.

Now you’re screwed. I’d suggest just get wherever it is early and hope for the best!

“Oh her? She’s pretty isn’t she!”

Nope. Not at all. You hadn’t even noticed her. If you live with her she’s like a sister and you could never see her that way. If you work with her, she is not your type and you could never see her that way. If you see her in the street, you weren’t even looking and could never see her that way. If she is in front of you naked, rubbing oil onto her perfect body whilst seductively eating a banana, you find it crass and could never look at her in that way. This all ties in with…

“You’ve mentioned her a lot recently, who is she…?”

I don’t like her. Stop talking about her. Who is she? What does she want with you? Does she have a boyfriend? How long have you known her? She’s a slut isn’t she. Admit it. What does she look like?  Delete her number. I want to punch her. 

“Does this look alright?”

This is dangerous territory. Firstly you need to understand that it isn’t really a question. It is a declarative statement that she thinks she is ready and wants you to agree with that assessment. That fact she has got ready to the point where she is asking you this question means there is only one answer she is looking for; ‘You look gorgeous babe’. So now you face a difficult decision if you in fact do not like what she is wearing. On the one hand, honesty is always good! Yay for honesty. On the other hand, she will take it personally and hate you a little bit for it. Choose wisely!

“Do you think I’ve put on weight?”

If she’s got a ridiculous figure and is just looking for compliments, then say what you want, however most of the time it’s because she knows she’s put on weight and is looking for reassurance. DO NOT MAKE A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stress this enough!!! Say something supportive, mention how you feel a bit useless recently and how you can both start afresh next week and support each other by going to the gym together and getting fit and fine as a couple. Resist the urge to remind her of the conversation when she eats the chocolate bar later. It’s just not worth it!  😳

“You know what, forget it, just don’t bother.”

DO NOT FORGET IT!

If you do, your argument that she told you to forget it will hold no weight in the court of boyfriend appeal.

“No honestly it’s fine, go see them, we can do something another day.”

WHY ARE YOU ABANDONING MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!???????? 

Or she’s genuinely cool with it. It’s a very fine line.

“Maybe one day we can do…”

Get the hint and book it already!!!!!

I know, know! It’s easy to hear these things and then forget them, but trust me she won’t, and the fact you havent made the effort will be used against you down the line once you both take a trip to argument town!

“I love you.”

I love you.😘

Annnnnnyways. Just a few examples there. Just a bit of fun and games. Stay tuned next week for Part 2 which will focus on what boys say and what they really mean!